


5 Times Thorin's Pony Was More Majestic Than Him (+1 Time Thorin Was More Majestic, Thank You!)

by butterflyslinky



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: 5+1 Things, Crack, Gen, Thorin Is Not Amused
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-27
Updated: 2015-06-27
Packaged: 2018-04-06 11:04:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4219347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butterflyslinky/pseuds/butterflyslinky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin notices that his pony is better at majestic hair-tossing than he is. This will not stand!</p>
            </blockquote>





	5 Times Thorin's Pony Was More Majestic Than Him (+1 Time Thorin Was More Majestic, Thank You!)

**Author's Note:**

> For the Hobbit Kink meme prompt here: http://hobbit-kink.livejournal.com/11476.html?thread=23780820#t23780820.

1.

The first time Thorin noticed was right as they were leaving the Shire and the Halfling came dashing after them. Thorin turned to him, looking down his nose as the Halfling gave his contract to Balin, and tossed his hair as he always did. It was a majestic thing to do, after all, and Thorin not-so-secretly spent nearly an hour a day practicing his hair-toss. It was expected.

What wasn’t expected was when his pony copied the move, its mane flowing perfectly through the air and landing in perfect formation on its neck. Thorin frowned a bit, because that hair-toss had been better than his. A mere pony had shown up the King Who Should Be Under the Mountain at his most majestic art!

Clearly, Thorin was going to need to spend an extra hour working on his hair-tossing when they stopped. And if that meant he had to take the first watch, well, no one would complain about that.

 

2.

“Is Thorin all right?” Bilbo whispered to Balin. They had been travelling for several days and Thorin had not stopped being a complete ass the entire time.

“Whatever do you mean, lad?” Balin asked kindly.

“Well…he seems to be having some sort of fit up there.” Bilbo nodded to where Thorin kept jerking his head suddenly and throwing his hair around.

“Oh, that.” Balin chuckled a bit. “I wouldn’t worry about that, lad. Thorin’s always been…well, it’s best not to question majesty. Especially when it feels threatened.”

Bilbo still looked confused. “What’s threatening to Thorin here?” he asked.

Just then, Thorin’s pony tossed its head, its mane shimmering in the sunlight before it settled beautifully. It really was quite a nice move, befitting the steed of a king, though it only seemed to make Thorin grumpier.

Balin was too busy muffling his laughter to answer Bilbo’s further inquiries.

 

3.

“Sire?” Ori’s face was innocent and hopeful. “I was just wondering…if it’s not too rude to ask…I’m doing portraits of the entire company, for my book, see, and I was wondering if I could sketch yours out real quick, if it’s not impudent of me…”

“All right, lad,” Thorin said, trying not to sound too intimidating. The boy was shaking enough as it was. “Any way you want me standing?”

“Perhaps leaning against your pony?” Ori suggested. “I mean, the noble king and his noble steed…”

Thorin’s expression darkened for a moment. “Is my steed really so noble?” he asked, glancing at the animal, which was eating grass nonchalantly.

“Well, you did say when we bought them that it was,” Ori reminded him.

Thorin tossed his hair majestically. It was a pretty good toss, if he did say so, and Ori watched in awe. “I suppose,” Thorin said. “Though getting the beast to hold still may take some doing.”

The pony looked up, as though it understood, and tossed its mane. Thorin watched with envy as the toss went off perfectly, the pony looking more dignified and noble than ever when its mane settled. The pony did not move again, just looked at Thorin as though daring him to say another word against it.

Thorin stomped over and took the position Ori wanted. “Just do your damn sketch,” he muttered.

 

4.

“What are you doing?” Thorin demanded.

Bilbo turned, his eyes wide and innocent. “I was just grooming your pony for you,” he said sweetly. “I mean, to help you out a bit.” He continued to brush out the pony’s mane, seeming to revel in the softness of it.

Thorin frowned. “Do you think I’m not capable of taking care of my own pony?” he growled.

“No?” Bilbo said. “I just thought, since you’re so busy leading the company and all…and the ponies like me well enough, even if I don’t enjoy riding them much, so I thought…”

“Am I not worthy?” Thorin asked. “Do you think that the pony’s mane deserves a better brushing than I can give? Is it in need of so much attention that I can’t brush it out myself?”

Bilbo was looking very frightened and a little bit concerned at this point. “I can stop doing it, if you like,” he said timidly. “Though I wouldn’t want dirt or anything to get in it…I mean, he has such a pretty mane…”

“Oh, don’t I know it!” Thorin ranted. “Such a pretty mane, so perfect for tossing around and making him all majestic and perfect, as though a pony knows anything about majesty!”

“I could brush yours, too, if that’s what you want?” Bilbo offered.

Thorin stared for a moment before he began to calm down. “No,” he said. “Thank you for the offer, burglar, but I will tend to grooming the beast myself.”

Bilbo nodded, handed Thorin the brush, and scampered off, looking very afraid by now. The pony watched him go before it tossed its mane at Thorin in disapproval.

“Oh, shut up,” Thorin muttered as he took over the brushing.

 

5.

“I think Uncle’s losing it,” Fili muttered to Kili.

“Oh?” Kili asked, accepting the bowl of stew that Fili handed him.

“I went to tell him supper’s ready and I found him talking to his pony,” Fili confided. “Telling it to stop being so majestic and tossing its mane better than he does.”

Kili raised his eyebrows. “It’s a pretty majestic pony,” he said. “I mean, I don’t think it spends quite so much time posturing as Thorin does, but it cuts a fairly noble figure. I thought he’d be pleased.”

“Apparently not,” Fili said. “He seems to think its showing him up when it comes to being broody and majestic and what have you.”

“So you’re telling me,” Kili said, a grin spreading over his face. “That Thorin feels his manhood is threatened by a pony?”

Fili nodded. He and Kili managed to keep their composure for all of five seconds before they both burst out laughing.

“What are you two cackling about?” a rough voice from behind them asked as Thorin came stomping into camp.

“Nothing,” the boys chorused between giggles.

Thorin tossed his hair at them and went to get dinner. It was a decently threatening hair-toss, but it only made them laugh harder.

 

+1

It was very fortunate that they were not eaten by trolls, even more fortunate that their ponies weren’t, either, though Gandalf said that where they were going from here on would be easier on foot.

Still, they could get a little further before they would leave the ponies with a friend of Gandalf’s and continue, so Thorin led his along with only the slightest reluctance.

“I didn’t have to rescue you, you know,” he muttered to the beast as they walked. “Could have left you to the trolls. Wonder what they would have done with your pretty mane then.”

The pony snorted at him and tossed its mane. Thorin smirked. “Don’t try that,” he said. “You won’t out-majesty me so easily. I’ve been practicing.” He moved his neck fluidly, doing his best hair-toss yet, raven hair falling in a gorgeous arc through the sunlight.

The pony looked at him approvingly. Thorin smiled a bit and patted its mane. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I’m sure you’ll match me one day.”

He pointedly ignored the snorts and titters behind him.


End file.
